I am the LORD thy GOd and I give you these Ten Commandments:
1. I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are “cool,” “nifty,” or “symbolic.” That would be putting other gods before Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot and, hence, right out.
2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vein. Drugs are fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.
3. You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these, though, but don’t let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more thou spendest, the holier thou art.
4. Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy affliction… naneenaneebooboo.
5. You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt queers, women, commies or sissies.
6. You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women. Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn’t mean you can use them just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this is, I don’t know, but I don’t need to, being God. Someone get these bugs offa Me!
7. Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it in to the state or national charter.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).
9. Go ahead and covet.
10. Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning, which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion and kill anyone who questions thou.
OK, reasonable, thoughtful Christians reading this are going to be offended. What offends me is that reasonable, thoughtful Christians allow the ignorant, fundie, idiot-fringe Christians to (mis)represent them.